Bella, Meet Bella
by Benign Overlord
Summary: Wherein Bellatrix meets her namesake, Bella Swan. Enough said. Crack!Fic.


**Bella, Meet Bella**

_A Harry Potter-Twilight Crossover by __**Janine :) **_

_Plot Bunnies from __**The-1-and-only-YouKnowWho**_

_Betaed by __**Benign Overlord**_

Bella Swan, 09 15, Twilight Zone

"Bella, darling, I'm going away for a while... again." said Edward, sparkling brightly in the Sun as it shone down upon the meadow of purple flowers that he had brought Bella to to break the news. He braced himself for the guaranteed fit that she would throw.

"B-b-but... NOOOOOOO!" Bella burst into tears for the hundredth time that day, "No! Why?" She moved her lower lip up and down, trying to imitate those actresses on the Korean drama series that she watched when their boyfriends left them. "Is it because... you don't LOVE me?"

Not giving Edward the chance to reply, she continued. "I mean, how could you not love ME? I am the most lovable person in the whole wide world. Not to mention the most modest!" Bella screamed, throwing a tantrum.

Edward tried to make her see sense. "No, I love you Bella! You are the only one whose blood I crave!" Edward corrected himself. "I mean, whose LOVE I crave."

Bella was really way too slow to notice, and continued her desperate tirade. "I mean, I can't live without you! Who will save my life all the time? Who will sparkle and kiss me? Who will protect me from your very very very scary vampire family?"

Edward looked uncomfortable. "Umm... Alice will," he continued, "She'll do all that except for the kissing...and she'll even paint your fingernails!"

"B-b-but...she always does them the wrong colour!" Bella wailed. "She does them shocking pink when I'm trying to be emo! And I'm always emo without yoooooooooou!" With that, Bella broke into a out-of-tune version of 'My Life Would Suck Without You'.

Edward cut her off mid-chorus by kissing her. He could not let her distract her from his need to go away. It wasn't as if he could stand being with her for much longer anyway. "No, sweetheart. It is absolutely prerequisite that I leave you for a while as you completely exasperate me!" He said passionately, breaking into complex vocabulary as he knew that she would not be able to understand him.

It worked. Bella fluttered her eyelashes ridiculously, feeling somewhat flattered. "That means that if you stay with me for too long you'll go drunk with love and get a hangover, right?" She smiled, tilting her head up to kiss him.

Edward sighed at her ultimate stupidity, then kissed her goodbye. With that he broke into a run for his family's mansion, not wanting to delay his break from his girlfriend.

Bella Swan, 15 10, Twilight Zone

Bella was sulking. She had been thrust brutally into the care of her dear boyfriend's sister, Alice Cullen. And, just as Bella had predicted she would, Alice had painted her nails. Bright, shocking, and ugly pink. No way would it go with her skimpy black emo outfit!

Bella wandered around Edward's room aimlessly, wondering what he did when _she_ was away from him. Probably sulk around, waiting for her to return. After all, that was what _she_ did while he was away.

She went over to his bookshelf, carelessly pulling out any book at random. The one she chose happened to be a short theory written by Rosalie Cullen- talking about beauty spoke to her. Bella flung the book to the floor, jealous of Rosalie, who was yet another of Edward's beautiful sisters. She stalked up to Edward's huge mirror putting her ear to it, hoping to hear beauty speaking to her. To her utter delight, she did! She heard "Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the prettiest of them all?" Excited to answer this call, she stuck her head into the mirror...

Edward Cullen, 15 36, Twilight Zone

Cedric and Edward were walking in the woods, munching peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Edward's being blood-flavoured and Cedric's strawberry. And then, they felt it. A disturbance in the air, so slight that only those who had crossed the worlds of fiction would feel it regularly.

"Ah, I think that was someone went over to your world using our connection." Edward said to Cedric, interrupting their conversation about how their girlfriends were being stolen from them (boo-hoo) by a big bad wolf and 'The Boy who Lived' respectively.

"How do you know? It could have been another connection, you know," mumbled Cedric.

"I know because that's the only link we've both ever used, and we can only feel disturbances when we've used those links before." Edward snapped, offended that Cedric doubted his theory. Why, he was always correct when it came to theories! Bella had once said so... Bella. Oh no. Why on earth did he let her stay in his room while he was away?

"Shoot Cedric. I think it's Bella." Edward admitted.

"Why would you want to shoot me?" Cedric pondered, drowsy and very full after eating 3 whole sandwiches.

Bellatrix Lestrange,15 00, Potter Territory

Bellatrix Lestrange, the evilest, most insane Pureblood witch that the Wizarding World had ever known, held the records for Most Frightening Laugh (Female Category) and Most Cruciatus Curses Done as Reason for a Large Proportion of Insane People St. Mungos (specifically made for her). She was the most terrifying icon of the Dark side, other than her darling Voldie, of course. She was feeling particularly restless that day, having not have had her fill of murders (she'd only had 19).

She had led some of the most trusted Death Eaters on a top secret raid at Hogwarts earlier that day. Their safehouse was running low on supplies, such as enchanted lamps and wooden bookshelves. While they were raiding, she had crept into the boy's dormitory (Hufflepuff, she believed. What a ridiculous name that was!) and had caught sight of a beautiful woman staring right at her. No, it was not a _real_ beautiful woman, just the very beautiful reflection of herself in a large mirror. Entranced by the piece of art, she could not help but want to take the mirror as her own.

"Shrinky-dinky!" She had muttered, shrinking the mirror to the size of a Chocolate frog. She had then proceeded to tuck it into her cloak pocket, forgetting about it until then.

Now that she had remembered, she brought the shrunken mirror out and muttered yet another spell- "Growygrowy!" It grew to its original size in less than 30 seconds, filling the length of her empty wall.

Chuckling at her awesome skill and power, she laughed her most evil laugh and shouted, "Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the prettiest of them all?"

At that exact moment, a pale teenage girl popped her head of long, chocolate-brown hair into the room. "I am, or at least my boyfriend Eddie thinks so, and he's the most handsome boy in the whole wide world!"

Bellatrix blinked, startled for a moment. Then she regained her composure and screamed "Who do you think you are, barging into my room without an appointment! I haven't even made my bed!"

The girl smiled. "Me? I'm Bella Swan, which means beautiful swan, because that's who I am- a beautiful swan! I live across this mirror. Who are you?"

Bellatrix frowned at the girl's ignorance. "ME? I'm Bellatrix Lestrange, professional Death Eater! How could you not know who I am? Bellatrix the great! Bellatrix means The Female Warrior..."

Bella cut her off before she could continue. "You're a death eater? You eat death? How does it taste like? Like an apple? I am an apple eater! I like eating apples!"

Bellatrix groaned in disgust, wondering how in the world how she had gotten stuck with the world's biggest idiot.

Bella Swan, 15 41, Potter Territory

Bella's eyes widened as she it registered that this lady in front of her also called herself 'Bella'. Bellatrix, to be exact. Maybe she should get an extension too. Bellacute, perhaps? Bellasad? She frowned at the woman. "You stole my name."

"What are you talking about? I had MY name first, I'm older." Bellatrix retorted indignantly, insulted at the accusation.

"So? You still stole my name. _My_ name. How could you do that? You're obviously not living up to the name of Bella. The name Bella is supposed to be graceful...beautiful...like me." Bella spun around on her toes with her head tilted back, crashing into Bellatrix's collection of dead-men's fingernails.

"Oh, so the name Bella also means that I have to love a vampire, be utterly dumb and ignorant as well as eat apples?"

Bella nodded vigourously.

"No way, _you've_ got it wrong, not me. The name Bella is supposed to strike fear into the hearts of everyone. It's supposed to mean pain and death!" Bellatrix cackled.

"That's so lame!" Bella rolled her eyes and refused to listen anymore, and turned to leave.

Cedric Diggory, 16 00, Twilight Zone

Cedric and Edward had just reached Edward's house. It had taken them quite a while, for Edward absolutely refused to piggy-back Cedric as he did to Bella in his movie: it would have looked too wrong. Edward also insisted that he walk with Cedric, just in case he was accidentally mistaken for Edward with a new tan and got eaten by a wolf. As Edward was using his super-sonic hearing powers to figure out if anyone would see them as they made their way to the mirror, Bella came running out of the house. She stopped, and a smile spread across her face.

"Edward!" She cried, turning to the real Edward. "How I missed you! How my lips longed for you! How my body wanted you! Can we make out now?"

She turned to Cedric. "Edward! How tan you are! How I missed you! How my lips longed for you! How my body wanted you! Can we make out now?"

She had a feeling of Déjà vu. She did a double take and regarded them curiously. "They're two of you! More of you to love me!" She ran towards them and tried to kiss both at the same time, which was pretty difficult as there were two of them and she only had one pair of lips. When she was finally done with chasing them she called them over, panting.

"You wouldn't believe it! I met a Bella, and she is sooo ugly compared to me, you know? I mean, she looked like she had just been electrocuted! And she called me dumb! I mean, how mean and inaccurate is _that_?" Bella said, burying herself into the real Edward's chest and sobbing.

Cedric paled. "Bella...trix?"

Bella whirled around, startled. "How did you know? I told her she could keep that mirror, since it went well with her room. It wasn't mine to give away, I know, but what's mine is yours Eddie!"

"Well, I guess you'll be staying here for a while, then, Cedric..." Edward muttered, cuddling Bella despite his annoyance at her.

End

**Benign Overlord's Note****: **Credit for this Crack!Fic rightfully goes to _Janine :) _and ___The-1-and-only-YouKnowWho_, I merely lent them my account and betaed it. However, please feel free to give them feedback, I'm sure that they'll appreciate it.


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